Tittle Tattle

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29 April
A football quiz from Ella here (and the answers here – don’t cheat!!)
Some more humour from Ella here

26 April
Try Ella’s Dingbat quiz. Click here for the clues and you can email your answers to nortonbowlsclub@gmail.com . Answers in a couple of weeks but you will get you score emailed to you before that.

20th April
Stay active in and around your home. Join the movement at https://www.sportengland.org/stayinworkout

17th April
Try this Cleveland county quiz .Click the link and then open or save it. Write in your answers and email it back to nortonbowlsclub@gmail.com

14th April
Just Covid 19 humour 

9th April


• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

• I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

• Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter —– The Living Room or The Bedroom

• PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

• Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

• I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog….. we laughed a lot.

• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

• I’m so excited — it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t have the same teacher next year”…. I’m offended.

• Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

4th April

John Travolta 
Isaac Newton
Source of Covid

3rd April

Kitchen talk

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over!. The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door knob told me to get a grip. The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to… yes, you guessed it… pull myself together.

Present for Hubbie 

Piglet goes shopping

“Where are we going Piglet?” asked Pooh.

“We need to get supplies,” said Piglet. “For the Coronavirus”

“Ahh,” said Pooh, nodding in understanding.

“Things like bread, milk, cough mixture, tissues and cat litter even though we don’t have a cat?”

Piglet did a little laugh, and a sort of leap and bit of a cough.

“No,” said Piglet. “No, those aren’t the sort of supplies we need at all! What we need are family sized bags of chocolate buttons, massive toblerone, jelly babies and crunchies and a freezer full of stuffed crust pizzas, and all of the Prosecco that we can possibly carry, so that when we get quarantined we won’t mind it even slightly. THOSE are supplies.”

All of a sudden, Pooh thought that the idea of coronavirus didn’t seem quite so bad, and actually, getting quarantined with Piglet and their supplies really didn’t sound such a terrible thing after all.

“Oh Piglet,” said Pooh. “I really do think you are a very wise animal.”

As they walked along they spotted Eeyore stood by a stream watching the sticks float by…..

“Hello Eeyore.” Said Pooh, “we’re off to buy supplies to sit out the quarantine, would you like to come?”

“No thank you.” Said Eeyore “I’m just going to stand here, look at the stream and contemplate the Economic impact of a media induced panic that several companies are projecting folding straight out of Brexit. Also the NHS being brought to its knees by a huge panic, and the social impact of people distrusting others because they look or are associated with China. People are dumb.”

“Well that’s sad.” Said Pooh “I much prefer eating Pizza.”

“The ironic thing.” Smiled Eeyore “is that Panic induces the Stress Response, and the first thing the stress response does is switch off the immune system.”

“Huh.” Said Pooh. “why would the media do that.”

“I don’t know.” Said Eeyore “I just watch sticks.”

A couple of songs:

Letter to Joe Wickes

Joe Wickes is providing PE classes on line for school children but…

Dear Mr Wicks,

I appreciate everything you are trying to do with your ‘P.E. with Joe’ lessons every morning, but I do have some constructive criticism, if you wouldn’t mind taking it on board for future lessons:

1. Stop pretending your target audience is the kids. I know this is meant to be in lieu of the P.E. lessons they would ordinarily be having at school, but most of them gave up on Monday (I know ours did), so the sooner you realise your audience is mostly made up of flabby middle-aged folk like me, who are only taking part because it is a welcome distraction from their own children / trying to work from home / watching daytime TV while eating biscuits by the packet, the better.

2. With that in mind, I have some recommendations for those of us who are badly out of shape and unaccustomed to fitness work-outs. While I suspect the women taking part have had the good sense to put on a sports bra each morning, a reminder for the men to perhaps wear something ‘secure’ downstairs wouldn’t go amiss. I mistakenly took part in my loose fitting pyjama shorts this morning, and to say my junk was behaving erratically would be an understatement (especially during the ‘bunny hops’, where I honestly thought my wife was going to be sick in her mouth).

3. A similar warning for those of us over six foot tall would also be welcome. It’s all well and good getting us to ‘jump up and reach for the stars’, but I very nearly punched an LED spotlight clean off our ceiling this morning, and those fuckers aren’t cheap.

4. Equally, if you do acknowledge that most of us are not children, I suspect the ‘bunny hops’ and ‘kangaroo jumps’ may cease anyway, but, if they do continue, please warn us to do little jumps, as I alternated this morning between hitting my head on the ceiling, and sending my colossal weight crashing through the living room floorboards each time I landed.

5. That said, I quite liked the Spiderman moves (even though I couldn’t get my knee all the way to the floor, so I looked less like Spiderman, and more like a geriatric pensioner bowling), but please bear in mind that advising us to jump up and bounce off the wall to our right only works if we actually have a wall next to us. I had an open door and, in the heat of the moment, I damn near went down the f****ing stairs.

Other than that, keep up the good work, and I’m sorry for calling you a ‘sadistic cockney bellend’ half way through the workout.

Yours …